


A Star To Light The Way (In which Jim never thought he’d live past 22, anyway)

by AlyssiaInWonderland



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Humor, Based on a Tumblr Post, Don’t copy to another site, F/M, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, POV Nyota Uhura, Past Child Abuse, Prompt Fic, Tarsus IV, this spans academy era and an alternative post 2009 film, where Nyota/Spock wasn't a thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-02-26 20:46:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18724672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlyssiaInWonderland/pseuds/AlyssiaInWonderland
Summary: A fic based around the following prompt excerpt on Tumblr:“So, captain,” she began, eyeing him mischievously. “Where would you be if you hadn’t joined up?”Jim shrugged nonchalantly, pursing his lips for a moment in thought. “Dead probably,” he finally replied, lightly but absolutely serious– oblivious to the shocked expressions of his crew around him. “Or halfway to it in a bar in Iowa somewhere.”Or, Nyota's journey from first meeting Kirk, to loving Jim, through three, increasingly angsty, incidents spanning Academy Era to post 2009 film.





	1. 1

Despite what the rumour mill said, Nyota did not in fact hate Jim.

Did she think he consistently failed to place importance on the tenets she herself held dear? Yes.

Did she think he was at risk of being unable to pass through doorways if egos were present on the material plane? Certainly.

Did she think he was an incorrigible mischief-maker who would stop at almost nothing to get a rise out of someone he decided he wanted to goad? Absolutely.

But she did not for one second think he was capable of wanton cruelty. And this accusation? Definitely qualified.

“I just don’t believe it of him, Gary. I’m sorry, but I don’t.” She only narrowly avoided wrinkling her nose in distaste as Gary Mitchell leaned in closer to her, as if everything he had to say was of vital enough import that she wouldn’t care about his proximity.

“Come on, Uhura. You know first-hand what his flirting is like! You always say he toes every line in the book. Why should it be so unbelievable to you that he’s crossed it?” Gary seemed far too coherent to be as drunk as he was claiming to be. Nyota discreetly shuffled her seat a little further away from him, pressing her lips together in frustration and annoyance.

Normally, she wouldn’t waste a second on someone who was making her uncomfortable, but they were assigned to the same project in Intergalactic Law and Ethics, and it paid to make her work partner at least believe she liked him.

“I’m saying that without a verifiable witness statement, your claim that Kirk called an Orion girl a whore is nothing but potential libel.” She took a deep breath, willing herself to have patience. “As you would in fact know, if you had read the material from last week’s lecture.”

“You can’t still be mad at me for not doing the reading? Seriously?” Gary eventually subsided under her most forceful glare. “I said I was sorry about that.”

“Good. Now if we can move on from something Kirk likely didn’t even say and start actually discussing our project work? I was interested to hear your take on our topic.” She sighed as he practically lit up. 

Sometimes she wondered if it was wise to massage his ego to get him to actually participate. Still. Only one semester of this and she would be free, even if viewing it as freedom made her feel a touch guilty for not being willing to engage with him. It would have been infinitely more tolerable if her views ever meshed with Gary’s in the slightest; some hint they might have mildly compatible approaches. As it was, she had a partner with whom she was supposed to explore law and ethics, who she could barely stand talking to at all. And she had to talk to him about forming a study into one of the most horrific massacres in galactic history.

She girded herself, and smiled. Next up was combat class. At least there was somewhere she didn’t have a terrible partner.

* * *

“I don’t even mind being called a slut, Ny. It’s that people are saying it was Jim who said it!” Gaila’s next punch hit the bag Nyota was steadying forcefully enough that she slid back a little.

“For what it’s worth, nobody intelligent believes anything the rumour mill churns up.” Nyota winced as Gaila’s stream of punches pummelled and wrenched at her muscles through the bag.

“But they do!” Gaila paused, wiping sweat off her forehead, tangling in her bright red hair. “I’m not saying it’s reasonable that they do, but they do believe it.” She was breathing harshly, and she shook out her arms before she steadied the bag ready for Nyota to take her turn.

“Why does it matter so much to you?” Nyota was bothered by it too, in truth. 

She wasn’t entirely sure why; Kirk was surrounded by so many rumours concerning his sexual partners that it would have been more of a shock if he hadn’t been implicated in something like this. But the imprecation to his character did not sit well with her. She’d buy him flouting authority in a split-second. She simply didn’t think he would call someone, especially an Orion, and even more specifically Gaila, a whore, and she’d been proven right by Gaila’s annoyance at the rumour.

She punched at the bag, making sure to keep her wrists shaped correctly to avoid a sprain. Gaila responded with frustrating ease; her taller, muscled body easily absorbing Nyota’s slightly distracted assault.

“Because the rumours about Jim get more vicious each time. And I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of it.” She spoke about it frankly, but Nyota knew the gossip got to her. “Besides, I hate the thought that I’d willingly sleep with someone who called me a whore as an insult.”

Nyota nearly missed the target, for all that it was wider than her own shoulders.

“I’m sorry, what? You and Kirk…?” She blinked at Gaila, taking the moment to drag in some breaths. Her arms were already aching.

“He was very good.” She grinned, widely enough that Nyota blushed scarlet under the flush of exercise. “Unfortunately, now people have the idea I’ve got no self-respect, a whole bunch of cadets are asking to sleep with me. I really wouldn’t mind it if they weren’t all such little shits.”

Nyota coughed to cover up the inappropriate laughter she wanted to let out at the way Gaila used the insult. She always pronounced swear words deliberately, as if to make sure they achieved their full impact.

“I’m sorry.” Nyota knew nothing she could say would touch on how difficult it must be to be an Orion at the Academy. So many people, from any species, but especially humans, decided their assumptions on Orion sexuality were true and free for perusal.

“So are they. I’ve sent at least half of them to Medbay already.” Gaila winked. “Come on, Ny. I’ve mostly worked off my rant now. Get punching!”

* * *

Nyota was heading home from her sparring session with Spock when she heard Jim’s unmistakeably cheerful voice.

“Hey Gabriella!”

She turned around, scanning the small courtyard-park for a sign of Jim’s presence.

“My name isn’t Gabriella, Kirk.” She called, still struggling to place him.

“Oh, but it could be. Gabriella Kirk. Sounds like a great name!” She heard a faint thud, and stared in bemusement as she realised Jim had just dropped down from sitting in a tree. “Has my brilliant teasing stunned you silent at long last?” He grinned, teasingly, as he moved towards her.

“You wish!” She retorted automatically, before, “Why in the name of everything sane were you in that tree?”

“Hiding from that prick Mitchell. He was trying to congratulate me for insulting an Orion girl – something about the latest rumour. Luckily, nobody ever thinks to look up when playing hide and seek!” Jim’s shudder at the idea of interacting with Gary earns him several more sympathy points than Nyota is used to giving him.

“If I could hide in a tree from him, I definitely would.” She admitted, smirking a little at the thought. “He’s a complete and utter jerk.”

“Damn,” Kirk whistled, but he was grinning broadly. “Harsh language. You have him for Intergalactic Law and Ethics, right? Someone drew you the shortest straw. In the entire history of straws.”

“Who do you have?” Nyota bit her lip, trying not to broadcast the fact she found his joking around amusing. It would only encourage him.

“Bones, thank everything that ever was. It’s hard enough to not punch people without having to talk to them about ethics.” He gave her a winning smile, a classic look in his repertoire of ‘devil-may-care’ expressions.

“Of course. I’m sure the reason you can resist punching people while in class is that you’re far more sober than when we first met.” She couldn’t resist the jibe, which felt relatively harmless. To her surprise, he visibly winced.

“I’m sorry about that, by the way. I’m sure you would have had Cupcake handled just fine on your own. Did you at least get to finish your drink before everyone got sent home?” Jim looked remarkably contrite. She’d once thought seeing him genuinely regretful would be a triumph. Instead, it was just mildly unsettling.

“No.” She frowned. Something about the situation was making her tense up. She could feel her heart hammering against her chest, and she spoke with some difficulty. “But I – don’t think you need to apologise. It was good of you. Standing up for me, I mean. Dozens of people wouldn’t, so yes you were reckless and confrontational but you also weren’t wrong.” She could feel heat rising up to curl over her cheeks, and she hadn’t the faintest clue why this topic was getting to her so much. 

It was like talking about it brought back every single feeling, the anger and resignation to fighting her own battle right before Kirk stepped in. With his signature cocky smirk, and strangely self-deprecating humour, that had spoken to her so strongly when he introduced himself.

“All I did was start a bar fight. Anyone could do that.” Jim seemed just as uncomfortable as her with the situation, so she took comfort in that. At least it wasn’t only her own façade that was cracking at the edges.

“You stepped up.” She corrected, because it was important to her to make sure he understood what she was trying to tell him. “After no more than three seconds of flirting, and a rejection. You stepped up because there were three guys speaking over me and I looked uncomfortable. Not just anyone would do that.” She looked away, and seized her first thought on how to break the moment. “I mean, sure, maybe you jumped the gun a lot. And you got everyone in trouble. But your heart was definitely in it.”

“Aren’t you meant to say my heart was ‘in the right place’?” Jim asked, apparently happy to latch onto the levity she had added.

“I said what I said, Kirk.” She replied, loftily. “I’ll see you at class.”

She pretended she couldn’t feel his gaze on her as she retreated to her dorms.


	2. 2

Nyota had, in fact, expected sparks would fly in the next Law and Ethics class. 

She had even expected her assigned partner to be part of them.

She had not, however, expected to want to kiss Jim Kirk as a result.

“It would be unreasonable to deny,” Mitchell insisted, and she tilted her head to the side to avoid one of his flailing arms as he spoke, “that Kodos had no way of knowing when help might arrive.”

“I am not debating the uncertainty of the situation. It’s completely irrelevant to the ethical issue of his actions! Regardless of impending rescue - eugenics is never an acceptable solution!” Kirk was all passion and fire where Mitchell was placid and self-importance. She had seen him angry before; this was different entirely. His eyes were fixed firmly on Mitchell, tracking his every movement like a predator, and she could see Bones sat to Kirk’s left, watching him with barely concealed concern.

“The Governor was faced with a difficult decision-”   
  
“And who gave him the right to make that decision?” Kirk interrupted, demandingly. “As a citizen of a planet, you don’t sign over the right to your life to your Governor. Because in the Federation, we protect basic rights; not just for certain groups deemed acceptable by someone who appointed themselves arbiter of life, but for everyone! Every human, every alien, even the ones we don’t like, even the ones who have been historically oppressed - especially them!” 

“The Governor was faced with a difficult decision, that we cannot judge because-” Mitchell repeated, doggedly.

“The decision wasn’t his to make!” Kirk slammed his hand to the table in front of him, making several of the spectating cadets jump. “He judged thousands upon thousands for their genetic code - and you tell me we cannot pass judgement on him in return?”

“The Governor was faced with a difficult decision, that we cannot judge because we weren’t there!” Mitchell finally raised his voice. His chin jutted forward, belligerent and confident.

Kirk froze.

Nyota found herself waiting for him to recover, for him to say something to continue his stance. Instead, he crumpled into his seat. A puppet whose strings had been cut. 

The lecture hall was silent.

Nyota’s chair scraped painfully on the floor as she stood, and turned, deliberately, to face Gary. She had to tilt her head up to meet his surprised gaze. He stepped forward, towards her, and she gave no ground.

“I believe what Cadet Kirk was trying to say,” She was glad of her hours of conditioning, of training. She could taste her heartbeat thrumming metal-sharp in her mouth. “Is that Kodos’ decision was not difficult, because it should never have been made in the first place.”

“I apologise;” She turned to the Professor of the class, ignoring Mitchell behind her. “I must concede that my partner’s argument, and our side of the debate, is incorrect. Some decisions,” She iterated, “Have only one tenable outcome.” She clasped shaking hands behind her back, not caring if Mitchell saw if it would help her finish her piece. “Kodos chose to act unforgivably unethically, in the face of fear. This man was a Governor. He signed up to lead the colony. He knew he would not have the luxury of not being judged for his actions; he gave that up the second he became a servant of the Federation in his role as Governor of Tarsus IV. He swore an oath to be greater than his prejudices, and he failed to honour it. And I have to say,” She kept her gaze firmly fixed on the projector over the Professor’s head. “I do not find it remotely difficult to judge him guilty for it.”

Nyota cringed into the swelling silence that followed her speech. Just as she was about to sink back down, horrified at her lack of discipline, a visceral wave of pure noise overtook the hall, cheers and stamping and clapping that threatened to physically rock her backwards.

She wanted to see if Kirk was alright, but he and Bones were lost in the sea of congratulations as the class closed for the evening.

Finally, everyone else had left, after she remained under the pretence of staying behind to question the lecturer, and she collapsed into the nearest seat.

She was shaking, adrenaline wearing off rapidly now she was alone.

She had just alienated her partner, who would help provide half her grade in the class. Regardless of the respect she may have won, that would do nothing to protect her graduation.

Her eyes stung, and she blinked them rapidly to contain the threatening spill.

“Hey there, Mkali.”

She looked up, and there was Kirk. He stood, carefully far enough away that he didn’t loom over her. She blinked at him.

“Can I sit?”

Nyota nodded. Kirk was being strangely gentle with her, like she might break if he looked at her wrong. It felt odd; after all, she had just been worried about his well-being. He had been so clearly disturbed by Mitchell’s argument. But here he was, sitting in a seat one away from her to give her space, and patiently engaging with her while being painstakingly careful to cross no boundaries.

“So, I’m guessing you’re freaked out because people stampeded you and you just potentially tanked your grade, right?” 

Nyota managed a strangled laugh. Now, there was the characteristic bluntness she had been expecting. It was peculiarly comforting.

“Frankly, I’m not sure it would have been high working with him anyway.” She admitted. “Worth it, regardless. He’s the most infuriating, ignorant imbecile I’ve ever had the misfortune to meet.”

“I’m offended that he’s stolen the title from me.” Kirk smiled at her, his usual brightness just a little dimmed. For her benefit, perhaps. Or maybe because of something related to the sadness, the maturity that she was gradually coming to know lurked behind his facade.

For a moment, she struggled with how to approach her response. Then she grinned.

“Don’t flatter yourself, Kirk. You’re only one of those three, and frankly, you’re going to need to step up your game at being infuriating if you want to keep even that last point in your favour. I’ve had to work with Cupcake. Twice. Your attempts to irritate me are practically background noise at this point.”

Kirk laughed, genuinely enough he tipped his head back, before looking over to her again. He met her eyes, and Nyota felt like his eyes were searching her for any remnants of anxiety he hadn’t been able to joke away.

“I suppose I’ll just have to try harder, then.”

Nyota’s lips twitched.

“I’m sure you will.”

“I keep my promises.” Kirk winked, and stood. “Look after yourself, Mkali.”

He was gone by the time she processed his name for her this time around. She hadn’t realised Kirk knew Swahili.

She was coming to understand that there was a great deal she hadn’t realised about Jim Kirk.

And his eyes were very, very blue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Mkali means 'fierce' in Swahili


	3. 3

People were frequently surprised that Nyota was not, in fact, a lightweight.

Between her small height, and her sprinter’s build, the expectation of being able to drink her under the table was common, and she was not above using this to her advantage when in drunken team bonding sessions at the Starfleet campus bar. Especially when this was the first time since their accidental ascension to actual crew. The first time since the chaos of the loss of Vulcan; her worry about Law and Ethics grades thoroughly cast into perspective in the face of her almost-lover, Spock’s, loss. All of their losses.

Sulu was already thoroughly drunk, and was propped up by Chekov, who seemed sober, but had definitely had several vodkas - “It is legal in Russia!”. Scotty was downing whiskey like water, accompanied by Keenser; Bones was nursing bourbon, and sat improbably close to Spock. Kirk sat to the other side of Bones, holding a glass of his own. 

“We should play a drinking game.” She said, decisively.

“Aye!” Scotty led a chorus of agreement that she had to not let surprise her. She was confident in most of her abilities; it still put her slightly off balance to be so readily listened to.

“Careful,” Kirk warned. “We’re wrecked if Spock joins in!”

“I wouldn’t worry about that.” Bones stood. “Be right back.”

“What’s that about?” Sulu frowned at the table. “Does he know some kind of medicine? That drunkens Vulcans?” He laughed to himself at the rhyme, and Nyota knew Spock well enough that his own expression was fighting a smile.

“I apologise for Hikaru, Mr. Spock!” Chekov said, brightly. “He clearly does not need Dr. McCoy’s medicine to get drunk. His alcohol tolerance should have been made i-”   
  
“In Russia!” Scotty interjected, waving his glass and sloshing some of his glass onto the table. “Oops.”

Bones returned, bearing some napkins he passed to Keenser, who dutifully mopped up the spillage, and a small tray of shot glasses, that he slid in front of Spock. 

“There,” Bones grinned, returning to his chair, which had somehow moved even closer to Spock in his absence. “That should do it.”

“Dr. McCoy, I trust you are aware that the Vulcan metabolism-”   
  
“I am quite aware.” Bones interrupted, a smirk slowly sprawling across his features. “Tell me, Mr. Spock,” He leaned in, picking up a shot glass and pressing it into Spock’s hands. “Have you ever heard of chocolate Baileys?”

Spock opened his mouth, and closed it again. “I suppose that would be adequate.” He conceded, magnanimously.

“I’ll give you ‘adequate’.” Bones grouched. The way he was plastered to Spock’s side at this point, with neither showing any sign of discomfort at this proximity, somewhat lessened the effect of his gruffness.

“Shall we?” Nyota bit her lip, to keep from giggling at Bones’ show of irritability. She briefly caught Kirk’s gaze, and they shared a second of mutual humour at the expense of their respective best friends.

“I propose a question round.” Spock spoke up, surprising them all. “I am curious,” He said, turning slightly to Bones. “Where you would be, if you had not elected to join Starfleet.”

“Hard pass, I’m afraid, darlin’.” Bones downed his bourbon shot, not seeming to notice the casual endearment. The green tinge to the tips of Spock’s pointed ears indicated that the Vulcan had noticed for the both of them.

“Mine is easy,” Chekov said, with a small grin. “I would be in Russia!”

Spock’s questioning gaze turned to Nyota, and she shrugged. “I’m honestly not certain. I suppose I’ll pass by default. I can’t think what else I would want to be doing.” She took a long draught of her wine glass, in lieu of a shot.

“I’d be on that damn planet still.” Scotty contributed, and took a shot of whiskey anyway.

“Mr. Sulu?” Spock enquired.

“What’s the question, again?” Sulu asked.

“Where would you be,” Chekov said, patiently. “If you had not joined Starfleet?”

“In bed. With Ben.” Sulu’s entire demeanour lit up, energy shaking the slump from his limbs. “I could - I could call him. Now. Right now - I’m gonna - I’ll be -” Sulu tried to stand up to call his husband, but swayed and staggered back. “Maybe I’ll call later.”

“Good idea.” Bones snorted. “Next question?”

“No, wait!” Nyota frowned. “We haven’t covered everyone. You’ve been, so have I, and Chekov, and Sulu. Scotty said, Keenser isn’t playing, and - someone is missing.” She pretended to have to think hard about the answer. “I’m just not sure who else it could be…” She valiantly ignored Kirk’s obvious laughter as the crew slowly realised they had nearly missed out their new Captain. Once they all seemed to have twigged, she grinned, and relented.

Finally, Uhura turned to Jim, the stem of her glass pinched between her fingers as she flicked her ponytail over her shoulder. Jim met her gaze with a wry smirk, idly turning his own glass on the table. 

“So, captain,” she began, eyeing him mischievously. “Where would you be if you hadn’t joined up?” 

Jim shrugged nonchalantly, pursing his lips for a moment in thought. “Dead probably,” he finally replied, lightly but absolutely serious– oblivious to the shocked expressions of his crew around him. “Or halfway to it in a bar in Iowa somewhere.” 

“I’m never sure when you’re all joking,” Scotty said. “Was that a joke? Are we laughing?”

“Jim-” Bones began, and Nyota could see the precise moment Kirk realised he had made a mistake in what he’d said. A flush stole over his face, his posture dropping from relaxed to guarded like a portcullis slamming down against intruders.

“Sorry, guys.” He set his glass back down on the table, and stood. “That joke was in poor taste. I’m calling it a night. I’ll - see you in the morning.”

Bones made as if to stand, but Spock caught his wrist, gently.

“I think the Captain would wish to be alone, Leonard.”

Bones subsided reluctantly into his chair. They all sat, snared in the heaviness of his unthinking, honest words. They knew his history. They knew, firsthand, his recklessness, his blatant disregard for his own safety. How selfless he was - Nyota stood, abruptly.

“I have to go.”

* * *

Nyota wandered to the small park between the dorms on a hunch. Blinking in the dim starlight, she made out a large, roughly human-shaped blob, in a familiar tree.

Silently, she padded across the grass, and sat with her back to the trunk. The bark was rough through the thin fabric of her uniform. She shivered slightly, shifting uncomfortably, and then there was a soft thud to her left, and a warm jacket being thrown around her shoulders.

Kirk folded himself up to sit next to her, the night hanging over them peacefully.

“I always wanted to touch the stars.”

Nyota didn’t want to say anything that might break the fragile quality to his speech. She let herself lean to the side, until their shoulders bumped together. She felt, rather than saw, Kirk’s smile in return of the gesture.

“I know all the stories about me. The rumours. They’re vicious, and cruel, and I can handle them. But - some of the ones about my past, they’re not untrue.”

“When I was a kid, I loved how bright the sky looked. I thought it was brighter at night than in the day, which is a fitting metaphor if ever I heard one.”

“The day was made up of things I hated, you see. Winona, for a start. Then Frank. Even when he came in the darkness I’d prefer the night. It kept me safer than any of my guardians ever did. I just knew, if I could get up there, I’d be alright.”

“Of course, the second I got my wish, it backfired. My first planet, other than Earth, and it was Tarsus fucking Four.” His voice was rough with emotion, and Nyota longed to do something, anything, to help. But she was paralysed, helpless against his stark trust, his honesty.

“The night protected us, there, though. Stealing grain was easier at night, and the moons only betrayed us sometimes. And then we were rescued, and I was grounded, for good, because I was a fucked up, traumatised kid with attitude problems and a need to punch my way through all the shit I didn’t know how to deal with, because I was thirteen, and I’d looked Kodos in the eye, and I knew that evil had a face and that face was every goddamn person on every planet who still had the nerve to be alive, to be well fed and rested while people were gassed and starved.” He swallowed, audibly.   
  
“That’s when the drinking started.”

Nyota delicately pressed her shoulder to his, and he leaned into her body for support.

“Pike wasn’t wrong to call me a repeat offender. I fought a hell of a lot of people. It’s no excuse, but I was just so angry, and I kept seeing the faces of the kids who - Bones says it’s PTSD. That, and an unhealthy dose of bad coping mechanisms.”

Jim turned to meet her gaze.

“So when I said I’d probably be dead, or near to it? I meant it. I just - I guess I never realised how messed up that is, until everyone got all worried. And by then it was too late to take it back. I - I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-” Jim’s voice broke on the fearful apology.

Nyota had no words, no wisdom, that would help in the face of his story. She wished she could turn back time, erase her previous harsh judgements, or do something material. But all she could do, she knew, was be there. And find a way to communicate that she cared. She smiled, softly.

“Jim,” She said, aching with tenderness she desperately hoped her gesture would express. “My name is Nyota.”

Jim looked up at her, tears clouding his blue, blue eyes.

She placed her hand, palm up, on his knee.

His fingertips interlaced with hers, and she gripped his hand tightly, and stayed with him as he cried.

Finally, he fell asleep, resting against her.

She looked up to the sky, and saw dozens of stars glittering.

She joined them; one last star watching over Jim’s sleeping form.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this is good and I did the prompt justice!!!
> 
> As ever, comments and kudos feed my dark soul! <3
> 
> Sorry if this is awful. I wrote it all in one hit and it's not been edited or had a beta reader asdfghjkl


End file.
